Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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