hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just cut my nipple shaving
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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