he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
