tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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