You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
