how can u be prego again
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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