Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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