Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
high people should be assigned attendants
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
