I just cut my nipple shaving
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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