Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
