Who wears a wallet chain?!
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
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