yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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