my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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