uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
