you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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