wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
