My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize