Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He's on the porch naked. Help.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize