his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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