The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
