You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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