My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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