Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
