U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
