My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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