Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
