I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
