Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
