What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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