I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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