he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
