If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I believe in your delicious
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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