Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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