Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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