at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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