i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
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