I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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