In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
