I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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