Kiss
Puke
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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