Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
