i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
