im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
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