I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Houston, we have a squirter
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
