Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
