Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
