Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize