Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
