Moan for me like Helen Keller
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
