so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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