I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
