I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I don't deserve a penis
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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