Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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