and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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