I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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