I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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