If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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